*WARNING* I'm having a rough day and this post is mostly for my own wellbeing.......
For the first time in my life, I actually feel loss. I've had lots of experience with loss, but never really felt it. We lost our home to a landslide, that killed our 3 neighbors. I mourned their passing and the loss of our home, but I felt comfort knowing my family was okay, and my faith helped comfort my sorrow of the neighbors passing.. I almost lost my hand to infection, and came to the conclusion I could do anything with just one hand. I lost many boyfriends because of my health problems, but found the perfect husband! I lost my "girl organs" to cancer, I've lost my hair too (twice). My hair grew back and the scars healed, it could have been a lot worse. I've lost my dear Grandfriends from illness, and age, but I know they are always with me. I've never felt a complete "loss" to those things. I just always knew in my heart that I would be okay, and that I have family, and God to watch over me, and help me through it.
So why do I now feel such a raw, and deep loss? I have the most amazing husband, most amazing family, and a most amazing God that all love me. I sit here with tears streaming down my face, because for the very first time in my life, I feel loss. With the nearing of Mother's Day, I just want to scream. I have dreamed my whole life of being a mother, and maybe now it has finally dawned upon me, that my beloved Lucy Goose is the only "child" I will ever have. I try to stay positive in all things, but right now I just hurt. Now that I married people keeping asking when the baby is coming, or when we are starting our family. It's my one weakness. Usually the answer is "sometime" or my family is already complete" while I hurry off, choking back the tears, feeling like my heart just shattered into a million tiny pieces.
Why are there so many children in homes with parents that don't love them? Why are children treated like trash, dropped off at hospitals like an unwanted squash? Why can't someone just drop that baby basket on my door step? I would take that baby. I would love her or him so very much.
For the first time in my life, I feel like D has won. I found out that because of my health, it will be really hard to adopt. I was told I could *MAYBE* have a child with disabilities or be a foster mom. I would take either in a heartbeat until I think about what that means, more loss. I can't imagine loving a child and having someone take it from me, and know it's going back to an abusive father, or non-caring mother. I couldn't bear adopting a child with disabilities, and not being able to take of her down the road because of my own health problems, or watch her suffer and die in front of me.
My life is great, I don't know why I feel this way. I have a life other people would kill for. A good job, a wonderful husband, a cute farm, and a house.
I guess being a girl, it's different. I just yearn to hold a baby, smelling her baby hair, and dressing her in a frilly easter dress, watching her ballet class, and making PTA goodies. But I guess it just won't happen.
I know this will pass. I'm sure I will feel this again some day. I just wish Diabetes wouldn't have to take the one thing I really want. For all those commercials on TV that say your life doesn't change when you have D, they are so so wrong. *I realize that the cancer and caner risks are what caused the final surgery, but D is taking away the rest.....
Again sorry for this depressing rant. I really felt the only way I could cope with this today is by getting it out in a safe place.
Love you guys! :)