Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Not being a mom..........

*WARNING* I'm having a rough day and this post is mostly for my own wellbeing.......

For the first time in my life, I actually feel loss. I've had lots of experience with loss, but never really felt it. We lost our home to a landslide, that killed our 3 neighbors. I mourned their passing and the loss of our home, but I felt comfort knowing my family was okay, and my faith helped comfort my sorrow of the neighbors passing.. I almost lost my hand to infection, and came to the conclusion I could do anything with just one hand. I lost many boyfriends because of my health problems, but found the perfect husband! I lost my "girl organs" to cancer, I've lost my hair too (twice). My hair grew back and the scars healed, it could have been a lot worse. I've lost my dear Grandfriends from illness, and age, but I know they are always with me. I've never felt a complete "loss" to those things. I just always knew in my heart that I would be okay, and that I have family, and God to watch over me, and help me through it.

So why do I now feel such a raw, and deep loss? I have the most amazing husband, most amazing family, and a most amazing God that all love me. I sit here with tears streaming down my face, because for the very first time in my life, I feel loss. With the nearing of Mother's Day, I just want to scream. I have dreamed my whole life of being a mother, and maybe now it has finally dawned upon me, that my beloved Lucy Goose is the only "child" I will ever have. I try to stay positive in all things, but right now I just hurt. Now that I married people keeping asking when the baby is coming, or when we are starting our family. It's my one weakness. Usually the answer is "sometime" or my family is already complete" while I hurry off, choking back the tears, feeling like my heart just shattered into a million tiny pieces.

Why are there so many children in homes with parents that don't love them? Why are children treated like trash, dropped off at hospitals like an unwanted squash? Why can't someone just drop that baby basket on my door step? I would take that baby. I would love her or him so very much.

For the first time in my life, I feel like D has won. I found out that because of my health, it will be really hard to adopt. I was told I could *MAYBE* have a child with disabilities or be a foster mom. I would take either in a heartbeat until I think about what that means, more loss. I can't imagine loving a child and having someone take it from me, and know it's going back to an abusive father, or non-caring mother. I couldn't bear adopting a child with disabilities, and not being able to take of her down the road because of my own health problems, or watch her suffer and die in front of me.

My life is great, I don't know why I feel this way. I have a life other people would kill for. A good job, a wonderful husband, a cute farm, and a house.

I guess being a girl, it's different. I just yearn to hold a baby, smelling her baby hair, and dressing her in a frilly easter dress, watching her ballet class, and making PTA goodies. But I guess it just won't happen.

I know this will pass. I'm sure I will feel this again some day. I just wish Diabetes wouldn't have to take the one thing I really want. For all those commercials on TV that say your life doesn't change when you have D, they are so so wrong. *I realize that the cancer and caner risks are what caused the final surgery, but D is taking away the rest.....

Again sorry for this depressing rant. I really felt the only way I could cope with this today is by getting it out in a safe place.

Love you guys! :)

9 comments:

  1. Love you! I had other words but they sounded trite. ((hugs))

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  2. Oh my heart goes out to you. Women are created with this desire for babies. We crave them. (Most of us, anyway.) Please don't give up on the adoption route. Maybe you'll find there are more options that you know. Please keep us updated. I don't think this is something you have to count as a loss just yet. There are many surprises in life.

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  3. When I saw the title on my dashboard, I had a feeling it would be a post like this. I know that you have had many health challenges in the past and had a hunch that biological children were not in your cards. I had no idea that adoption could be refused for your medical condition as well. That was a shocker. Please don't ever apologize for ranting on here. This is a great place to get these feelings out...and to know that your friends (in you computer) will read and care.

    P.S. Your farm sounds fabulous.

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  4. My heart aches for you. I have had many friends who were unable to have biological children and through long journeys now have adopted. I surely hope that whatever needs to change will so that they can't use your health 'issues' as reason to deny you the desire of your heart.
    Lifting you up in prayer, trusting God has a plan even if we can't/don't understand or like it at the moment!!

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  5. Thank-you friends. I realize this is just something I need to come to grips with. Sometimes it's hard to trust that God has a plan for us, even if it's the one we dont understand at the moment.

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  6. God has a plan. And Gods will will be done. I believe that. I don't believe you would want a baby, have prayed for a baby, asked for Gods will and STILL feel this desire for nothing. God is not creul. Hang on, sweet friend. Don't give up!!

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  7. Sweet Jesus. I feel your loss and grief in what you wrote and my goodness I beleive God has something extra special planned for you.
    On another note, as I read I couldnt help but feel how isolated my family is - I dont have friends or family around to help me, and I have 3 small kids (a baby diagnosed with type 1) and I would almost do anything to have an 'adoptive' aunty in their lives. BIG HUGS xx.

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  8. Sending you love, hugs and hope!

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  9. Oh Rachael! I have sadness in my heart for you today. I am glad that you feel safe here to share these feelings. And I send you many hugs and prayers.

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