You know those nights.... You lie in bed, obviously not sleeping, tossing, turning, and wondering. Wishing your brain would just shut off! It's 3:00 in the morning, just checked my BS. 69. Pretty normal for this time of the night/day. Brain going 100 miles an hour!
What if I didn't have diabetes? What if I wasn't fat? What if I could be be a mom? What if I wasn't a Recreation Therapist? What if........ My mind races. Is my life what I want it to be? Am I the person I always thought I would be. How many "I wish I would haves", do I have?
It's interesting to read the open and candid post about D and depression this month. I am fortunate, that I don't really get "depressed". I get blue sometimes, and sometimes have spells of irritation, overworked, and frustration.
I think I am going through a spell of "Why can't I just....." NOT to be confused with "Why me".
I see so many of my friends and people my age "living" the lives I have always dreamed of. I wonder, "Why can't I just be a mom with a my own child?" "Why can't insurance just be a little more affordable." Why can't loosing weight be just a little easier?" I'm not going to lie. I wonder if I am good enough sometimes. I wonder if I should have made different choices. I wonder "What if?"
I've thought A LOT about it lately. I don't think I would be willing to give up what I have for what I "want". It sounds so contradictory. My life isn't what I expected it to be, but where it's less, it's become more. I am so lucky to have a good job. One where my boss has never let me go for being sick. My boyfriend is so sweet and understanding, and as funny as it sounds, where I can't have children, we indulge in hobbies together such as gardening and farming. We create and "give life" to animals and plants. We celebrate holidays, and enjoy life in other ways.
Would I trade being diabetic for some other disease? Am I angry about being diabetic? Is life really that different when you are? Questions I am asked all the time. Is it fair.... NO! Is life the same...... HELL NO! Would I trade it for something else? Honestly? I don't know. For all the things it has done that are sad, painful, and wrong, I can think of something it has done to make me more.... patient, understanding, kind, and able to see life a little differently.
So after the deep holiday thoughts (which usually come closer to New Year's for me) I have to say I am living a great life. Although there are days of pain, sorrow, regret, and WHAT IFS. There are MORE days filled with LOVE, WONDER, HAPPINESS, GRATEFULNESS, and JOY!
I am sure I will always have feelings of never feeling like I am enough, and sometimes a little broken, or incomplete.
I will remember the 3:00 in the morning BS checks where I am HAPPY to have all that I have, and I can lay my head down at knowing that when I leave this world one day, it will be a bit brighter because I was here.
I hope you all know how much I love you all! Your kindness, happy comments, and sharing of your sweet families fills in the cracks and makes me complete!
HAPPY LAST DAY OF NOVEMBER!!!
*Yeah, I blew my diet, but I am back on track, and am feeling good about jumping back on the bandwagon.
*I have had some crazy blood sugars, but I think the "pump vacation" was a good thing. It not only has made me aware of things that I take for granted, but has helped me learn some new things too. I will be happy to be pumping again . I was going to wait until the beginning of the year, but I may start around Christmas because emotions are so tricky with blood sugars, and pump basal rates are so much more consistent than long acting insulins.
* We've decided to keep our chicken killing Lucy. Bless her heart. We have had them on a schedule so they aren't out together at the same time. In the spring we are making her a pen of her own. She LOVES the snow! She "swims" around in it, and loves to eat it. I still can't believe the poor thing kills chickens. I've read up on it, and supposedly, it's not uncommon.
Our snow covered farm!
Lucy playing in the snow.