Thursday, September 23, 2010

What Next?

Fall in Utah. Its so beautiful! The pictures don't do it justice. The tress are so brilliant and beautiful. I LOVE Fall, its my favorite season, but so short lived. As with every change of the season I can't help but think, "What's next?" The changing of the seasons seems to happen faster and faster. That must mean I am getting older and older.

Today I had my 6 week post op for my hysterectomy. There I sat in a huge waiting room FULL of happy girls all about ready to pop. There were people coming and going. I kept seeing couples come out carrying their very first pictures of their unborn children. I couldn't help but be sad, and wonder, on this first day of Fall; What's next for me? I worry about being alone, about being left out, and most of all; NEVER having my own baby. I knew the consequences of having the surgery. Yet it still hurts. I remember telling the doctor that "Chemo and and biopsies for the rest of my life wasn't an option, especially if it means never having kids anyway". It's funny to write, because it still just doesn't seem r e a l. I try not to play the pity party, but sometimes I really wonder what my life would be like without health problems, especially T1 Diabetes. I wonder who I may have not been scared off by the lifetime of an ill spouse, or what kind of home or vacations I could have gone on if (honestly) half of my paycheck didn't go towards medicine, doctors, and insurance companies. . . .

But as sad as I felt earlier, the happier I can be. I am a very blessed person. I have a wonderful family that I love more than anything in the world! Who I could have lost in the landslide that killed three neighbors last year. A boyfriend, who is my very best friend, who has never left me when I was down and really tries to help me be happy and healthy. I have an amazing job, well 2 in fact! With lots of friends, and bosses that have stood by me, even during long bouts in the hospital. Giving me courage, and making sure that I would never have to worry about loosing my job! Wow, what a huge thing in this economy! I have friends a plenty, and I live in a beautiful mountainous valley, that looks like a post card! I have a darling Victorian apartment with a claw foot tub to DIE for! I have life! Although sometimes, I look at what I may have lost, it will never make up for what I have gained!

What's next?
Whatever comes, because I have found that the good always makes up for the bad!

May everyone be as blessed as I am, and enjoy the beauties of life, because sometimes they are a little hard to see!

Rachael

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